Wednesday, November 10, 2010


     B's anxiety level has been through the roof for the last week, accompanying her surge in seizures. She has taken to begging me not to leave her at school in the morning and complaining bitterly about school when she gets home. Also, she's had a few bouts of temper tantrums at home, which is not like her, and today she felt so bad, the worker had her call me and I went and picked her up early.
     I talked to her worker today about how to help her more, and I continue to urge a dismissal of the curriculum. I am more worried about her mental state and feelings about school than I am about her attending to the work.
     On Tuesday of next week, I am going to go in and observe the classroom, to see If I can help them figure out what to do. I am in all the time, I talk to them every day about her, but I can't figure out exactly what is making her so upset right now. She keeps saying they rush her, but I think that's one of the few things she can actually identify. I think it's a combination of the seizures having a really bad effect on her memory, so she's having an extra hard time figuring out what is going on, and the trouble I often see the teachers and support have in giving up the idea of the curriculum. I can understand the difficulty. It's a huge part of their job.
     I admit that I am having a bit of an inner conflict right now. Part of me wants to say, "Screw it," and keep her home until the meds kick in, or we have to switch to new meds. I mean, I am not a mother that often forces her to do stuff. I am very lenient and accommodating, because I think her stress level is high, she has a lot to deal with, and I want her to have all the down time she needs just to be relaxed and not feel at odds with anything. And part of me just wants her to go to school because I need space and time. She's an intense child to parent. She needs constant interaction and supervision. She's high maintenance. And I also am worried that if I let her completely part with school, it will be even harder to get her back, and she needs the extra socialising and independence from me that school allows. Or should allow. Quite frankly, I am so angry at the cutbacks in support that I am seriously considering taking her to panhandle for education money outside of Campbell's and MacDiarmid's offices.
     She, of course, is not conflicted in the least. That child wants me, and pretty much only me twenty-five hours a day. This has just grown in intensity as her seizures have gotten worse over the years. Mom helps everything make sense. Mom understands how she feels and can explain it to others. And while I am far from perfect, I get frustrated and tired and snippy like any Mom, I guess B is better at focusing on my good qualities.
    I wish there was an easy answer. Hell, I wish there were ANY answers, ever, anywhere, by anyone. I wish we could give her meds for anxiety, which is much easier to treat with meds than depression or other disorders, but I am just not going to give her more meds.

1 comment:

  1. Oh my gosh, I relate to so much, so much of your feelings and understanding of your child, and their anxiety, trying to balance it and our lives and not knowing what the problem is, but, knowing there is something or our child would not behave this ways.
    You do know what she needs even if it's tough for her, it's better - and you need your time too
    You will work it out with the school staff.
    I feel very fortunate that N is better able to explain now and doesn't have the extent of health problems C does.
    But reading what you write, I know it, I've been there and it is so tough.